Feelings Reciprocated
by rolivia-svu
Summary: Amanda ends up in a bar after work, drinking away her growing feelings for her Lieutenant. After Olivia joins her she grows concerned for her Detective and insists on driving her home. But will Olivia's feelings cloud her judgement? Rated M for Mature themes to come in future chapters. Rolivia friendship/eventual pairing/romance.
1. Chapter One: The Same Again?

Chapter 1

"The same again?"

The blonde nodded gently and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, leaving her hand to provide rest for her head, which now felt heavy. Amanda took a long look at her drink, her fifth drink to be exact. She grasped the cold glass in her free hand and tapped her forefinger against it a few times. She observed the icy condensation trickle down off the marks her fingerprint had created before taking a sip. Savoring the taste, she swallowed the strong liquid slowly before feeling a wave of uninvited guilt run through her. Amanda frustratedly hit the glass back down, not paying much attention when a little of her drink escaped over the top of the glass and splashed down onto the bar top. She sighed and tilted her head down as her hair fell back over her face, hiding her blue eyes.

"Amanda?" She felt the wave of guilt rapidly shift into a more familiar feeling. She noticed her heart jump up in to her throat and her stomach flip happily and sink with anxiety simultaneously. The brunette reached out her hand and hooked the soft, blonde strands against her fingers, gently guiding them back behind Amanda's ear. Olivia's hand dropped down to Amanda's shoulder, making an accidental, quick stroke of contact against her neck.

"So, can I join you for a drink or?" Olivia tilted her head to the side, her deep brown locks framing the side of her face as she attempted to make eye contact with Amanda. She watched the blonde shrug and tipped her head back up, nodding slowly.

"Okay, I can go if you'd prefer.. Rollins if you need space then just -"

"Stay for a drink" Amanda interrupted, feeling sorry for shrugging off the earlier question. She turned her face towards Liv, making eye contact before quickly drawing her gaze back to the drink in her hand. Olivia took a seat on the stool next to her and caught the attention of the bartender. "Whatever she's having please". She gave a small nod in Amanda's direction, letting her eyes wander to the blonde's messy, half unbuttoned shirt.

"Wanna tell me why you left work in such a hurry? Because you know, if it's about this case.. you can't get through to everyone in the same way. Some survivors need more pushing while some need to be left alone for a while". Hearing no immediate response, she swirled her straw around the glass a few times, listening to the ice cubes knock against each other, before taking a sip.

"Although, thinking about it.. I'm curious as to whether it's because of something I said, considering the look you gave me as you grabbed your jacket before you - quite audibly - let the door swing shut behind you". Liv raised an eyebrow at Amanda before placing her drink down. She traced her thumb around the side of the glass, waiting patiently for a response.

Amanda sighed. "I'll close the door carefully next time. I was pissed and didn't really give a damn, okay?". The words spilled out of the blonde's mouth with regret before she even had time to think about them. She reactively pulled the glass up to her lips and swigged back a large amount of drink, swallowing it hastily. She felt the cold liquid hit the back of her throat harshly and tried to conceal her coughs. Liv's eyes darted across as she set down her drink and reached her hand across to her friend, gently rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"You ok?". Liv kept her eyes locked on Amanda, feeling a little helpless as she waited for her to gain control of her breath again.

"Shouldn't have knocked back that mouthful so quickly, serves me right really". Amanda shook her head a little, pressing her palm into the centre of her chest to relieve the burning sensation that she felt; although she wasn't sure if this was caused by the large gulp of strong percentage alcohol or the feeling of her Lieutenant's hand still calmly caressing her back. Liv's hand slowed, stopping where Amanda's shirt was half tucked in to her work pants. She furrowed her brow with concern and stroked her thumb up and down a few times before pulling her hand away and placing it onto her own lap.

"I hope you don't make a habit of this after every shift, this stuff is lethal". Olivia whispered with a small smile, placing her glass down after deciding half of the drink was more than enough for her. Her smile grew bigger as Amanda gave her a playful glare. "I feel like I'd walk into work still drunk tomorrow morning if I finished this, how many have you had?". Liv watched Amanda closely, anticipating an honest answer.

"Five". Amanda avoided eye contact and picked up her straw from her glass. She placed the end of it in her mouth, savoring the last drops of drink. She noted the sharp silence where the brunette had previously been quite vocal and dropped her hand down to the bar top, letting go of the straw and flicking her eyes across to Olivia.

"Relax, will you? Do I sound or look drunk to you?" Olivia shook her head a little with uncertainty. "Well.. a little.. but I'm still making sure you get home safe".

"I appreciate the concern but I'll grab a taxi or somethin'.. awh.. dammit". Amanda rolled her eyes and felt her pockets before huffing loudly.

"I left my wallet at work. Oh fuck, the drinks..". Amanda looked up sheepishly at Olivia, feeling a twinge of embarrassment rise in her, hoping that her Lieutenant wouldn't think of her as careless. She sat quietly, thinking about how long it would take her to walk back to her apartment, let alone the length of the journey with her being slightly tipsy and, no doubt, unsteady on her feet.

"It's okay, my car is parked round the corner.. and I'll take care of it" Liv slid off the stool and tied up the belt around her coat, secretly wanting to quickly escape the crowds and musky smell of beer and cigarette smoke in the air. She asked the bartender for the bill and paid in cash before returning her wallet to her coat pocket.

"Thank you" Amanda smiled weakly, feeling thankful for her Lieutenant's help but also slightly embarrassed.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride home" she pressed, getting slightly impatient. Amanda sighed and rolled her eyes, but deep down she was grateful for her Lieutenant's concern. She hopped down from the bar stool and felt the alcohol rush to her head. Placing a hand on the edge of the bar, she steadied herself, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. She felt exhausted and really, all she wanted was to snap her fingers and be curled up in bed. Amanda grabbed her coat and hung it over her arm before making her way out of the bar with Liv following closely behind her.

The bitter, winter air hit Amanda's face as they stepped outside, causing her to take a surprised sharp inhale of breath and blink harshly a few times.

"Fuck, when did New York suddenly get its winter?" she joked, chuckling a little before awkwardly looking over at Olivia to spot her reaction. She felt the alcohol hitting her like a ton of bricks now she was out in the fresh air and instantly regretted her choices from the past two hours.

"About a month ago actually, this is pretty mild compared to the snow we had last week.." Olivia raised her left eyebrow and faced Amanda as they walked slowly, giving her a serious look and letting her eyes dart between her unsteady feet and her tired, bloodshot eyes. She decided to leave it at that as they reached her car. She walked with Amanda round to the passenger door, hovering her hands near her back just in case she stumbled as she climbed in.

"I'm fine, I'm all goooood" Amanda giggled as she climbed in the car and looked to her right. She spotted Liv's hands floating around her side, even though she was already sat down and pulling the seat belt over her chest. Olivia pulled her arms away, cursing at herself in her head. She rubbed her hands together harshly, feeling the night turn near to freezing. She was growing concerned for her detective. Not because she'd had more than a couple of drinks; that was normal for Amanda.. but she had a niggling feeling that something was up.

 _Olivia Benson; she's a grown woman who can take care of herself. So she's slightly - okay... moderately drunk, but_ _she can handle it. Just get in the car and drop her off at her apartment_. She was trying to rationalize with herself but was finding it increasingly difficult to take her own advice. _But what if she falls? What if she is sick in the_ _night and no one is there to help? Oh my God pull yourself together Benson._

"I know it's cold but you can't be frozen to the sidewalk already Liv" Amanda slurred, finding it amusing that she wasn't showing any signs of shutting the passenger door and making her way around to the drivers side. This prompted Olivia to finally shut the door and climb inside next to Amanda, she put her keys in the ignition and turned on the heat full blast, feeling near to shivering.

"Jeez Olivia" Amanda puffed, waving her hands in front of her. "It's about a hundred degrees in here, I'm gonna melt!".

"Oh shh, you're fine" Olivia laughed, shaking her head a little but finding it oddly cute how annoyed her friend is. "It's freezing and you're only hot because of all the alcohol in your system".

"I'm hot?" Amanda joked, smirking at her Lieutenant playfully; her judgement dropping away and leaving her no filter for her words. Olivia felt her face go warm and flushed. She buckled up her seatbelt, started the car and looked over at Amanda with a sweet smile before setting off.

"Let's get you home".


	2. Chapter Two: Intoxicated First

Chapter 2

"Ladies first"

Amanda giggled as she gestured for Olivia to enter her apartment first once the door was unlocked.

"Intoxicated first" Olivia smiled, half joking, placing her hand on Amanda's back to guide her inside. The blonde rolled her eyes and snorted playfully.

"Rude" she joked back, confidently striding to the couch before kicking off her shoes and throwing herself down with a loud sigh. She didn't actually invite Olivia inside, but the older woman had already closed the door behind her and had made her way to the kitchen; busy searching the cupboards for two mugs. Amanda felt sleepy as soon as her small frame hit the comfort of the cushioned couch. She pulled her jacket off and threw it on to the floor next to her feet.

"Carbs and coffee!". Liv's voice drifted down the hallway to the living room.

"Huh?!" Amanda furrowed her brow and called back, much louder than she anticipated as she winced in pain at her growing headache. The brunette returned to the living room a few minutes later carrying a mug of coffee and a plate of crackers.

"I said carbs and coffee. It'll help you sober up" she explained, handing over the mug carefully and placing the crackers on the table.

"Just be careful, it's hot" she continued, giving a small nod to the direction of the steaming drink in Amanda's hands and not quite realizing how blindingly obvious her statement was.

"Well, I never would have known!" the blonde exclaimed sarcastically before taking a large sip and proceeding to burn her tongue. She pulled the mug away from her mouth quickly and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hide her pain from her Lieutenant.

"Careful, that coffee is hot" Amanda said weakly with a small smile, looking up at Olivia as her eyes watered from the burning sensation in her mouth. Liv took the mug out of her hands and placed it on the table. She waved at Amanda to scoot up on the couch before sitting down close next to her.

"Let's play a game" the blonde casually offered as she leaned forward and grabbed the plate of crackers. Olivia felt anxious, unsure of what the younger woman meant.

"What kind of game?" Liv asked with a nervous laugh. She took this offer as a sign that she needn't hurry home. She pulled off her jacket and draped it over the end of the couch before sitting back comfortably. She turned her head to look at Amanda, who was now making her way through the lightly buttered crackers, obviously enjoying them. She felt the corner of her mouth start to form into a smile as she watched the detective drop crumbs down her shirt. Without any influence of alcohol Amanda would be brushing away each fallen piece of cracker before it even had a chance to touch her clothes, but right now, she didn't even seem to notice.

"Amanda… what game?" Liv prompted curiously for a second time as she reached her hand over to the plate and broke off half a cracker for herself.

"Oh! So… fuck, marry, kill -" Amanda started. Olivia cut her off abruptly as she chuckled before swallowing the last bite of the cracker.

"I'm not playing fu… _that_ with you" she laughed, tucking a piece of her brunette hair behind her ear.

"Why? Worried I'd kill you off?" the younger woman smirked as she set the plate back down on the coffee table and finally started to brush the crumbs from her chest.

"Ha! More like worried you'd marry me. We'd get hitched then you'd drive me up the bloody wall and I'd end up killing you" Olivia teased, raising her left eyebrow. Amanda laid back into the couch and looked over at her Lieutenant.

"Okay, so, you'd marry me then kill me… I guess the fuck part comes somewhere between the two?".

Olivia almost choked on her own breath, wondering if she heard Amanda correctly. She felt her cheeks flush red.

"You'd be so lucky" she finally responded, trying not to grin as she felt the blonde woman's eyes stay locked on her. Amanda tipped her head to the side, still watching Olivia. She gently bit her lower lip and raised her eyebrows slightly. She observed the older woman shuffle awkwardly on the couch and couldn't help but find it cute how her cheeks were still pink from blushing. It was a side of her boss that she rarely saw.

"Liv, do you think I'm any good at what I do?".

Olivia felt slightly taken aback at the sudden change in conversation. She readjusted herself on the couch so she was facing Amanda.

"Do I think you're any good at being an SVU Detective?" Olivia checked, wanting to know if she understood the question properly. Amanda nodded a little and also adjusted herself on the couch, sitting crossed legged and picking up a pillow to hold against her stomach. She kept her gaze on Olivia, curious to know her answer.

"You're a great Detective, Amanda" Liv nodded.

"You're committed, you come ready to work… most of the time" she joked.

"And although there's been occasions where you've put yourself in situations without my knowledge or go ahead, I know you do it for the right reasons and somehow it always works out in your favor. I think you had a lot to learn when you moved here but you've definitely done your learning. So, yeah, I think you're very good at what you do".

Amanda listened intently as she twiddled a piece of golden hair around her finger. She kept quiet once Olivia finished talking.

"Why? You aren't doubting yourself, are you?" the brunette asked as she furrowed her brow and dipped her head to meet Amanda's eyes. She had to admit there were many times that the younger woman had pissed her off, both personally and on the job, but she had grown very fond of Amanda over the years and hated the thought of her being unsure about her future at SVU.

"Not really, I don't want to leave or anythin'. I was just curious about your personal opinion of me. You kinda' hated me to start with, right?". Amanda intended the question seriously but had a small smile forming on the edge of her lips.

"I didn't _hate_ you… we just didn't see eye to eye for a while" Olivia shrugged as she thought back to seven years ago when Amanda had transferred from Atlanta.

"Well I always liked you" Amanda stated casually with a shrug as she fiddled with the corner of the pillow in her lap.

"I know" Liv laughed.

"Why are you so sure of that?" the blonde responded, squinting her eyes at her Lieutenant playfully. She knew quite well that the answer would most likely be the stupid amount of times she had expressed her admiration for the older woman, especially when she first arrived in New York, but she was curious for Liv's response.

"You were pretty vocal about it at first, but then Carisi told me anyway". Olivia shrugged casually as she spoke and pushed her hair out of her face. She didn't realize she had just done exactly what Carisi had asked her not to do as she leaned back into the couch and made herself more comfortable.

"Carisi told you what?" Amanda spoke quietly as she furrowed her brow and sat up slightly. Her heart raced faster as multiple thoughts crossed over each other. She tried not to display her internal panic, silently hoping her fellow detective and friend hadn't told their Lieutenant of her true feelings.

Olivia noticed the way Amanda sat upright and the slight crack in her voice when she spoke. She cursed herself in her head for letting it slip that Carisi had mentioned something. She shuffled closer to Amanda and placed a hand on her knee.

"Look, it doesn't matter what Carisi said. It was a while ago anyway" Liv shook her head gently as she locked eye contact with a worried Amanda.

"Well it matters to me Liv" Amanda quickly responded anxiously as she stood up from the couch and crossed her arms. She started to bite the skin on her thumb. It was a nervous habit she had always lived with. Olivia felt angry at herself for being so foolish to mention anything about what she had been told. She stood up quickly and walked towards Amanda before gently pulling her hand away from her mouth.

"Don't do that, you'll make yourself bleed" Liv said softly, keeping hold of Amanda's hand in hers as she looked in her eyes. She immediately saw the worry in her blue eyes and felt a twinge of uneasiness in her stomach. She wanted to scoop the younger woman into her arms and hold her.

"I just… I want to know what he said about me" Amanda said, her voice shaky and quiet. Although a small part of her was annoyed at Olivia, she was mainly worried about how Carisi might have passed on her words. She let Liv hold her hand, feeling a bit of comfort from it as they stood in front of each other.

"Okay" Olivia nodded, sighing deeply as her stomach flipped with anxiety.

"He told me a while ago that you might - well - that you… have feelings for me?". She naturally turned the statement into a question in the hopes it would spark an honest response. She held on to Amanda's hand slightly tighter, partly through anxiety and partly because she was worried the blonde would let go and run straight out of her own apartment. Amanda's eyes darted around the room, avoiding any contact with Olivia's. She felt her skin flush warm on her face and although her mind was full of things she wanted to say she couldn't bring herself to open her mouth.

"Amanda you don't have to be ashamed or afraid of what I'd think. I know I can be harsh and strict as your boss but it's only because I know you're a great det -".

"Oh my God, for once this isn't about you being my boss, or whether I'm any good at my job! It's about my ridiculous feelings for you that I can't shake" Amanda interrupted with her voice now raised. She pulled her hand away from her Lieutenants grip. Olivia remained quiet but took a step closer.

"I can't stop thinking about you Liv. I've tried to just ignore my feelings but I can't any more. It's too much". Amanda stopped herself before she released any more of her thoughts and looked up into Olivia's brown eyes.

"Shh, it's okay. You don't have to ignore them Amanda" Liv soothed. She stepped closer again and reached out her hands, placing them on the back of Amanda's upper arms as they stood close to each other. Amanda listened to the older woman's words and finally let her guard down, leaning her body forward and wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist. Any feeling of being influenced by the alcohol from earlier in the night had disappeared as she felt Liv sigh with relief. Being shorter than Liv came in handy in this moment as her head rested comfortably on her shoulder. Amanda closed her eyes and exhaled out all the tension she had been holding in before looking up at her.

"Will you stay for a bit longer? So we can talk?" Amanda asked quietly. Olivia held one arm around the younger woman's small frame and moved her other hand up to play with a piece of blonde hair.

"Honey… I'll stay for as long as you want".


	3. Chapter Three: Mixing Work & Lovers

Chapter 3

"Your feelings aren't ridiculous"

Olivia was still holding the younger woman in a warm embrace. Her left hand had travelled up to the back of Amanda's head and her right wrapped around her slim frame. Amanda had always longed for this. For Olivia to wrap her arms around her, to hold her close. Her mind skipped back to the countless times she had observed her Lieutenant scooping up victims or family members into her arms and consoling them. The memories swirled of nightmare filled slumber whenever a case would hit too close to home. How she would frequently wake up in a cold sweat, wanting nothing more than to dial the older woman's number and cry everything out. Amanda was quickly brought back to reality when Olivia sighed lightly at the lack of response.

"But I have to ignore them" Amanda stated, almost sarcastically. She knew nothing could happen between them. Mainly because she could never imagine the feelings being reciprocated. She also always felt a sense of inadequacy in comparison to her Lieutenant, probably stemming from the many years of expertise Liv had over her and the simple fact that she was her boss. Olivia sighed again quietly and moved her gaze upwards to stare at the ceiling as she thought of the right way to respond. She kept her left hand fixed on her detectives soft blonde locks, twirling a strand around her finger every now and again.

"Amanda, you don't have to ignore your feelings. That would get you no where. If you feel something, you feel something. You bury it and it'll come back up" she replied softly as she pulled away gently from their embrace. She moved both hands to rest on the blonde woman's shoulders and threw her a reassuring smile. Amanda forced a half-hearted smile back as mixed feelings of anxiety and giddiness swirled around her stomach.

"Bury it and it'll come back up" Amanda repeated, nodding slightly and avoiding a fixed gaze with her Lieutenant. She thought about the many years that had passed and all the feelings she had pushed aside. The countless times she had typed a text to send before deleting it. All the times she had mentally prepared herself to walk straight into Liv's office and confess her growing feelings before she felt like they'd drown her in her own mind. Even the couple of times she thought about just signing her yearly christmas card with a _p.s. I think I fucking love you._

"But, Amanda, I'm your Lieutenant -" Olivia started explaining calmly before Amanda shrugged her hands away from her shoulders.

"I know, _Olivia_. But being involved with other people in our precinct hasn't bothered you before" the detective replied quite abruptly. She was now locking bold eye contact with Olivia and had folded her arms across her body defensively.

"Amanda -"

"No, Liv. Admit it, you've never had a problem mixing work and lovers before" Amanda interrupted. She kept her tone calm but Olivia could tell she was growing more upset.

"…and I know I'm a woman, I know you find it hard to let that wall of yours down, I know I can be a total mess. So please, if you're gonna give me a reason for this being impossible, don't say it's because you're my Lieutenant". Amanda practically let all of her words out in one long breath. She filled her lungs again and exhaled deeply as she swept her blonde hair away from her face and turned her body so she was no longer face on with Olivia.

"Okay" Liv nodded in agreement.

"You're right, that wouldn't be fair. I - yes, I do find it hard to let my guard down. I feel like the minute I have done so in the past, that's the moment everything gets screwed up and I run a mile in the opposite direction. I get scared, I get panicked, I feel like I don't know how to navigate a relationship the moment it becomes real". Olivia was now sitting on the arm of the couch with her legs dangling over the side. She rested her hands on her thighs and sighed. Amanda stood still at the opposite end with her arms still folded, although observing her Lieutenant talk so deeply about her fears and thoughts made her want to sit down closer.

"I won't lie; the thought of being with a woman does scare me, but not enough to write off the possibility all together". Liv met eyes with Amanda and smiled weakly. Amanda's heart jumped a little as she replayed what she had just heard in her head.

 _Not enough to write off the possibility all together. Does that mean she's thought about it? That she would think about it? Maybe she was just kidding to lighten the mood?_

Amanda sat down near Olivia. She placed her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her chin in the palm of her hand. Her head was tilted to the side as she looked at the brunette woman in front of her. She watched as Olivia stroked the palms of her hands up and down the length of her own thighs, and wondered if she was nervous or just finding the whole honest exchange purely terrifying. Olivia kept her eye line fixed down on her hands, so didn't notice the loving gaze that the blonde had settled into. Amanda smiled to herself at the way Olivia's bottom lip naturally pouted when her face relaxed. The way her brows would furrow cutely when she was confused, and the way she would move her glasses from her nose and plant them in her lightly waved brown hair. She noticed when Liv's hands eventually stopped moving and quickly pulled herself back to the current situation.

"All of this… it's only relevant if you - well - if you feel the same sorta way as me". Amanda finished her sentence with a small shrug to mask her nerves. Olivia listened and thought about what was just said. The room filled with intense silence which grew almost unbearable until she finally took a breath to respond.

"I guess it's relevant then"


End file.
